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Sorry, We’re Out of Chicken

September 2, 2011

“Hello, and welcome to Boston Market. How can I help you?”

“Uhh ya, I’ll take a quarter white…”

“Sorry sir, we’re actually out of chicken tonight. Can I interest you in some brisket?”

At some point in my life, just like everyone, I learned that occasionally the things I hold dear will let me down. That night in College Park long ago, I learned that even the surest of sure things can break your heart.

Case in point – wasn’t this the year we were going to crack .500, Baltimore? Wasn’t it? Thanks for nothing.

But I digress. Suffice it to say, particularly as a result of my experiences in the sports world, I have become accustomed to disappointment. However, seldom have so many things that I’ve come to rely on as sources of comfort, strength and, indeed, my very identity, combined to pull the rug out from underneath me with as much gusto as they did today.

As many of you may know, I am a big fan of soccer, or footy as it’s known in certain circles. This weekend, while many of will be throwing on your swim trunks and heading to the beach, I’ll be cozying up on a bar stool watching pivotal matches between European national teams keen to qualify for Euro 2012, the second biggest soccer tournament in the world.

At least, I thought I was.

For obvious reasons, the two teams that I’m interested in watching are Ireland and Scotland (believe it or not, I am not of Latino origin, despite what my blog, or my steady diet of homemade burritos may have led you to believe). After failing to find a bar online announcing that they were showing either game, I decided to put my tools as a digital strategist to work by reaching out to some fine establishments on Twitter to find a bar playing the game. After getting turned down by several public houses, I was down to ol’ reliable, Ireland’s Four Courts.

I’m a big fan of Four Courts. They’re maybe the DC area’s only Liverpool bar, they always show me a good time in the evenings, and gosh darn it, Maddie just can’t get enough of their delicious Sunday buffet. It truly is fun for the whole family. Beyond that, if anybody is going to show the Ireland game, it has to be Arlington’s most successful Irish bar. Right?

Not only was I friendly, look at my Avatar. Who could possibly disappoint someone who looks so happy, so full of life? Note: What I’m about to show you may change how you see the world.

Look, I’m not in the business of commenting on hundreds of years of violence and repression that I’m separated from by several generations and hundreds of miles.

But still. Come on, man. Doesn’t get much worse than that.

Let’s review who let me down today.

Twitter – Somehow my unblemished record of receiving great customer service and pleasing answers on Twitter has come to a screeching halt. Still love you, Twitter, but you’re better than that.

Ireland’s Four Courts – I’m utterly speechless. How could you have forsaken all that is Irish? On the other hand, at least now when I’m there I’ll feel like less of a jerk if I stray from the standard traditional Irish drinks of Guinness and Red Headed Sluts.

Capitalism – Alright, I get it. It’s just not cost-effective to show a pay-per-view soccer game on a Friday afternoon prior to a major holiday weekend. Whatever. Somebody somewhere should have figured out how to make money off of me for this game. The fact that they haven’t is just down right Un-American. Which leads me to my final point…

America – Nobody said this was Tijuana, but I’m pretty sure this is still the Land of Opportunity. You want to sit down at a restaurant and eat a bacon cheeseburger and mediocre Hunan Shrimp at the same time? Sure, no problem. How about a fried stick of butter? Boom. Done.

An Irish soccer game in an Irish soccer bar? Nope. Sorry, but how about the most historically disagreeable alternative?

I’m sure there was a good reason way back when for why Boston Market had allowed itself to run out of the one ingredient that is included in roughly 97% of their meals, and there’s probably an even better reason to explain today’s unfortunate turn of events.

Still, just like that night in College Park, it’s going to be difficult for me to sleep in this new world that I live in. Of course, back then, it was because I had settled for nearly a gallon of mashed potatoes with gravy for dinner.

Tonight, though, the feeling in my stomach will be the same.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. pwatters permalink
    September 2, 2011 9:20 am

    Life is bitter pill to swallow.

  2. Dan permalink
    September 2, 2011 10:12 am

    I’m not even a soccer fan and I’m disappointed in the plethora of Irish bars in Arlington.

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